Damn, That's Where I Keep Mine, Too

A theater out west has this printed right on their tickets"

NO STROLLERS. NO HANDGUNS.

The Stars Know

My horoscope, Wednesday, 17 January:

"...you might meet someone unusual or bizarre, or view someone familiar who seems to be this way...keep your knees bent."

For a quick getaway, I guess.

I'm Not From Around Wherever It Is I Am

One Sunday at the theater. Woman calls...

She: Are you on South Halsted or North Halsted?

Me: We're at 3133 North Halsted.

She: We're at 33rd Street and South Halsted. (Apparently the lack of a theatre at that location wasn't sufficient to convince her we weren' t there.)

Me: .....okay.

She: Which way do we go to get to the theater?

Me: If you're on South Halsted, and you need to get to North Halsted, I guess you'll want to go north.

She: Oh, okay -- towards the lake.

Me: I'm afraid not. Halsted doesn't run east and west, it runs north and south, um, towards Wisconsin.

She: Well, yeah, I meant downtown. (As if I were somehow the fool for not realizing lake = downtown.)

It Must Have Been Good To Make Such An Impression

At the White Hen, around lunch time. Man and woman are looking at the assortment of deli sandwiches. The man says:

"I had this before, it is sooo good, I mean, really good, this one, here... er.... no, no, it was this one, it's so good, I loved it, I... no...no... no, this one. It was this one. It is sooo good!"

Me, I Like My Eggs At Room Temperature

From the Good Housekeeping Cook Book, 1955 edition:

"If possible, buy eggs from a dealer who keeps eggs in refrigerated display cases."

We Had One Question

As usual, Kitty and I went north for the Christmas holidays, and as usual, my mother "asked" us to go to church on Sunday with the folks.

We took our place in the pew, and took a look at the church bulletin. At the bottom of which it read:

Have A Mary Christmas!

A "Mary" Christmas? How did they know we were coming?

I Love A Bargain, But...

Seen on a trip to Michigan for the holidays, at the side of a country road, next to the driveway: two Porta-Johns, with a "for sale" sign attached.

Are there really people driving those country roads with a burning need to buy Porta-Johns? And if you need to buy Porta-Johns, do you really want to buy used Porta-Johns?

If You Say So, Ma'am

CVS Pharmacy, Clark at Halsted, Tuesday evening. Woman is buying a gallon of milk.

Cashier: "Would you like a bag?"

Customer, rolls eyes: "Uh, hello? I'm not retarded. So, no, I don't need a bag."

Cashier looks suprised at this outburst.

Customer points to handle on milk container: "See?! It has a handle! Duh!"

Astounding Grasp Of The Obvious

Overheard from nearby cubes:

From two cubes away: "It's raining!"

From cube next door: "Outside?"

(Cube next door was immediately mocked for such a silly question. Cube next door made a lame attempt to cover by explaining she wasn't sure whether the person in the other cube was commenting on the weather, or singing the classic song by Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer.)

Note To The Man On Halsted Street

Walking to work at the theatre, I saw a young, muscular man walking in my direction. Dressed in workout clothes, his jacket unzipped to show off the tank top stretched across his firm muscular torso; he was obviously headed to the gym up the street.

And as he passed by, I wanted to say to him: "Generally people don't wear so much cologne to go work out."

What Happened At Macy's On State Street

I was enjoying a day of shopping and people-watching in downtown Chicago. At one point, I was sitting near the food court on the lower level of the State Street Macy's store.

A panhandler came up. "Can I have fifty cents for coffee?"

"No."

He tried again: "Can I have a dollar?" (Because of course I'll be willing to hand over twice as much as I wouldn't give him initially.)

He paused, and tried again: "Maybe we could go out sometime, hang out, you know, kick back?"

Who Knew?

I've been looking for the Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers Collection Volume 2 set of DVDs, for Matthew.

Shopzilla.com suggests that if I'm interested in Astaire and Rogers I might also be interested in...

Let Me Die a Woman (DVD)

Uncut, Transgendered Edition
Description: This hilarious and horrifying documentary on transsexuals includes actual surgical footage of the operations and close-up looks at the results, inside and out. Not for the faint of heart.

The Sounds of the Holiday Season

Friday 17 November, within a block of Marsh.... Macy's State Street:

Christmas carols playing in the stores.

Cashier to customer: "Happy holidays!"

Pedestrian to pedestrian: "Have a happy Thanksgiving."

Oddly dressed woman to person(s) unknown: "I'm gonna fuck shit up your fucking ass!"

Word from the Next Cube

"I was there when the placenta started coming!"

Awkward Conversation

At a party one fine Saturday night, a young man stepped out of the bathroom, and seeing an empty spot next to me, took it. A handsome young man, his tight white t-shirt showing off his muscular torso to best advantage.

This young man decided, for some reason, that the ideal conversational opener would be:

"I just had an orgasm! [He nodded his head towards the bathroom.] I haven't had one in like two months since my doctor put me on anti-depressants."

Let's see now, what have you told me that would be among the things I don't want to learn about someone within the first ten seconds of meeting them:

-You're clinically depressed.
-You're on antidepressants.
-You generally have no sex drive.
-You just had an orgasm.

I wasn't even sure what to say.

Thank you for coming sprang to mind, of course, but I didn't say it.

Did He Leave His Wife At Home?

Customer came to the theater window to buy a ticket.

Customer did not want a seat in the poncho section, where patrons wear plastic ponchos to protect their clothing.

Why?

"I am on a business trip, and I cannot wash my clothes."

Imagine This

That Maya Angelou was recently reading "Mary Poppins" by P.L. Travers.

That Maya Angelou decided she simply must dress like that dapper British nanny. Exactly like her.

Then you will know what I saw at the CVS Pharmacy near Union Station recently, right down to the umbrella.

This Guy Really Had A Screw Loose

Walgreen's, near Sears Tower. 9 November, late in the afternoon.

Man goes up to Maxine, one of the cashiers.

(Maxine has no eyebrows, and so pencils them in each morning. And she always looks like someone startled her as she applied her left eyebrow, for it starts near her nose, quite normally, but then wanders off upwards into her hairline.)

Man purchases six-piece tool kit. Maxine offers a bag. Man declines, exclaiming "I only need this!"

He rips the clamshell packaging apart and extracts the screwdriver, and leaves.

I'm Not From Around Here, But I Can Puzzle It Out

Caller: "We're at Michigan and Wabash, where's the theater?"

Me: "You're about five miles south of the theater."

Caller: "So..... we need to go.... um..................................five miles..................................north?"

Truth in Advertising

Union Station, Friday, 3 November. Panhandler asks for money:

"Five bucks, wanna fuck a whore."