Fun With The TSA

Last summer, when I was looking for work, I was meandering around a federal goverment website. Which allowed one to put in one's qualifications and the system would find the perfect job(s) for one. So I put in my qualifications.

According to the system, I was well-qualified to be a Transportation Security Administration screener.

I wasn't clear on how "Demonstrated abilities in QuarkXPress and other design software" made one qualified to wear a white, short-sleeved shirt and ask people to remove their shoes, but, who was I to argue with the United States government? So I applied.

Some time later, I was asked to go in for a three-hour test. I did.

Mostly, they showed x-rays and you had to find the knifes, scissors, pointy-things and other dangerous items. I was there for an hour and fifteen minutes; I would have left when I was done, but I spent 15 minutes wondering if I should leave or not.

Some time later, I learned I had passed the test and could now take my e86 on-line assessment. How exciting was that? And they were very helpful: the email had four pdf attachments. The first one told you how to open the website. (I wondered about that. If you don't know how to open a website, how would you know how to open a pdf?)

Some considerable time later, I was called to schedule an interview/assessment near Midway Airport. Which is how I came to be riding my bike west on Archer on 1 June to the assessment center.

First, I met with Tim. Tim's job was to administer the visual test. (You line colored dots up in a row, lightest to darkest. Just to make things interesting, I flipped two of the dots. I still passed.)

Then, I talked to Shakita. Shakita's husband works by the theater, so we talked alot about that.

Then I waited.

And waited.

Then I talked to Mike. Mike was kinda cute. Mike looked at a laptop for a long time and then we got to take my fingerprints, using the inkless digital fingerprint scanner. This was fun. Mike had to manipulate each of my fingers across the scanner, and in order to do facilitate him doing so, I had to stand right behind Mike, brushing up against his backside...

Then I got to wait some more.

For entertainment, I listened in on one of the other applicants. (I was later told she had been in almost daily. She doesn't know how to use a computer, so one of the TSA folks had to sit with her and type her answers into the computer.) She knows her mother's date of birth, but not her father's date of birth. I know this, because she announced it, loudly, 17 times. In a row.

I was waiting for the manager to return. I had passed each of their seemingly low requirements and was now qualified to proceed to a conditional offer of employment (but, they urged, don't quit your job or relocate for the job!), once the manager returned.

Once he returned, it turned out he had been the head of security at the John Hancock building, when I worked there in the most nightmarish job I've ever had. We chatted, he signed off, and I had successfully completed my assessment session.

So watch out. I may be screening your luggage. Remove your shoes, please.